OkCupid Girls

Went on this free dating site and started sending stupid messages to girls. Here they are:

To Hot Brandy:

Hello Hot Brandy. My name is Nathan. I would like to tell you about myself in an attempt to make you interested in meeting me. I hope as you read this you begin to relax and to smile and that the flow of blood throughout your body increases making you very warm and happy.

I was born on July 4th 1986. The same day that this land of America turned One Hundred and ten years old. I am very proud to share a birthday with this great land. Do you love America? If you said yes you may find that you will be capable of loving me as well.

Because I am connected to America on a much deeper level than the average person I am very interested in history. My apartment has 3 American flags. One of which I display and the other two I keep in their respective packages. This keeps them in mint condition and keeps their value high. Not that I have any intentions of selling my flags but still I think it's important for you to know the kind of person I am. I am the kind of person that cares very much about the things he owns. If I were given the privileged to own you I would take very good care of you.

My other biggest hobby is hole digging. I love to go out in my yard and dig deep holes. When the hole has reached a depth that I am happy with (usually this is a depth at which when I stand in the whole my eyes are level with the ground up above the hole) I leave it for a few days. Then often I write letters to people from Americas glorious past such as Abraham Lincoln or Audie Murphy and put them in the hole before filling it back up. I feel like this connects me with mother earth in America.

I would love to speak with you more in depth (hahaha, sorry digger joke). Please tell me about yourself and maybe we can build some kind of relationship. I look forward to hearing from you soon. God Bless You.

This girl said no liars or thieves:

Hey I was just reading your profile and I think you and i would be really compatible. I find you attractive physically especially in the face. The only issue I could see is that i love to steal. Nothing very expensive or from people I care about mostly just things like candy bars, gum, batteries, pez refills, marshmallows, mouse pads, cans of soda, cards (playing, and collectible), lighters, bags of chips, staplers, pens, pins, pencils, erasers, thumb tacs, pottery, lawn chairs, condoms, cigarettes, toilet paper, goldfish, coffee, tea bags, tylenol, jelly beans, greeting cards, change, wrapping paper, aluminum foil, plastic bags, go-gurt, fingernail clippers, compasses, pocket knives, eggs, bagels, poker chip sets, cds, dvds, shirts, socks, shoes, handkerchiefs, pre-paid cell phones, posters, pet hair remover rollers, hot wheels cars, umbrellas, canned tuna, brooms, buckets, stereo speakers, fax machines, silverware, assorted fruits, paper, marbles, lotion, camera tripods, hats, blankets, seat cushions, and paper shredders. I hope this will not be a big issue and that you and i can begin a conversation that may lead to true love. I hope you give me a chance and I hear from you soon.

This girl had a picture with her arms up in the air and a weirdly dark eye:

I just wanted to let you know I like your picture. You did a really thorough job shaving your arm pits and I think that's something that should be commended. Also you should probably slap some raw meat on that eye it'll help clear it up quicker.

This girl said to feel free to send her any questions:

I saw where you are open to questions of my that I have so maybe I can have you give answers? Here are my questions for you to answer for me:

1) If you could eat anything how many would you eat?

2) Do you jump? If so how many?

3) What car is yours?

4) Would you rather be born without legs?

5) What year of time has been great?

6) If you could be any tree would it be elm?

7) If you were told you had to shave your head and eat your hair or the world would die would you do it? What if it was a lie you would look really stupid then.

If anyone of them respond I'll update you. Or if I write more I'll probably throw them up as well.

To whom it may concern: Caviar

Sent to: http://www.caviarmore.com/buy-caviar/

To Whom It May Concern,


Howdy there my name is Nathaniel Burbian. I was just on your site perusing your wares of caviers. I recently had me some of those caviers at some high felutin party I took my step kids and my daddy to. Now I aint never eatin nothing half as good as that shit. So i got on my new internet and decided to buy me up some of it to have what for to cook for my vittles.

The problem is that you have so many caviers I dont know what do pick. I know I loved that cavier at the party but I don't know what kind it was. I saw you had all kinds like belugs, osetra, and sevurga. I don't even speak no spanish though so I'm having a hard time telling which is which. What's the best way to find the cavier for me? I recently came into a shit load of money and so I thought of maybe buying all the caviers but it seems like a waste.

Could you please reccomend me one of those cavier dinners? Thanks for any help.

Thank you very much,

Thanks,

Nathaniel Burbian

My Inbox

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To Whom It May Concern: Response for Hammers

Got this email from the hammer company I emailed.

Here's the one I sent them: http://thegifthorsesmouth.blogspot.com/2010/10/to-whom-it-may-concern-hammers.html

And here's what they sent me back :

Gosh Nathan, I think production of this hammer began sometime in 1000AD. But sorry, that company went out of business, I'm sure by the banking scandal. Those bankers can take out anyone, ever superheroes. Perhaps you should try looking at Thor hammers, they might know a thing or two:

http://www.thorhammer.com/index.php

If you find what you need on their site we probably carry it.

Good luck,

Sincerely,

Jennifer

The Hammer Source

To Whom It May Concern: Response for A Book

Firstly I sent this: http://thegifthorsesmouth.blogspot.com/2010/10/to-whom-it-may-concern-book.html

Okay so this morning I got a response. Firstly I received this email:

Dear Kereal Ciller,

Please rest assured that there is no such place as heaven.

Also that I know how to use Google. (link to another site I posted it on)

(For next time: The run-on sentences are nice, but the proper use of contractions? Dead give away.)

Best of luck with your trolling.

She also wrote a blog about me which can be found here:

http://saucysalad.com/2010/10/05/its-and-its-or-the-editor-and-the-troll/

To Whom It May Concern: A Book

Sent to: http://saucysalad.com/hire-me/

Dear Rebecca,

Hello my name is Nathan Burbian. I am 8 years old. I want you to help me write a book. It is for my mommy. She has died a few weeks ago. She loved books. I want to write a book and mail it to heaven so she can read it and be happy and be proud of me. It's going to be about a baby that learns how to read minds and fly and then it uses powers to win at blackjack. Please help me. I don't have much moneys but I will let you keep copies of the book for you to give to your mommy if you want.

Thanks,

Nathan Burbian

To Whom It May Concern: Hammers

Sent to:http://www.hammersource.com/

To Whom it May Concern

Hello I am looking to buy a very specific hammer and I think you might be the people to either provide me with the sale or point me in the right direction. The specific hammer brand I am looking for is Mjolnir.

I'm not sure of the model name but basically it is a large, square-headed gray hammer. It has a short, round handle wrapped in brown leather, culminating in a loop handle for added grippage. I know they began producing these hammers in 1962 but am honestly not sure if they are still in production.

I am currently working on a very complex carpentry project and know that when I have used this hammer in the past it has met all my needs. Here are a list of my needs, if you have another hammer brand that would meet these needs I would be eager to try it out:

1) Must resist chipping and breaking

2) Must absorb the rebound of a strike

3) Must be able to manipulate the weather on an almost global scale

4) Must be made by top quality Uru

5) Must grant the stamina to battle the entire Frost Giant army for Nine Months without any sustenance or rest.

6) Must be able to both throw images AND detect illusions.

7) Must be able to create Anti-Matter particles

8) Must have heavy duty handle

9) Must be capable of creating chronal displacement, therefore allowing time travel

Thanks for any help you can give me. I look forward to doing business with your company.

-Nathaniel Burbian