To whom it may concern: Caviar

Sent to: http://www.caviarmore.com/buy-caviar/

To Whom It May Concern,


Howdy there my name is Nathaniel Burbian. I was just on your site perusing your wares of caviers. I recently had me some of those caviers at some high felutin party I took my step kids and my daddy to. Now I aint never eatin nothing half as good as that shit. So i got on my new internet and decided to buy me up some of it to have what for to cook for my vittles.

The problem is that you have so many caviers I dont know what do pick. I know I loved that cavier at the party but I don't know what kind it was. I saw you had all kinds like belugs, osetra, and sevurga. I don't even speak no spanish though so I'm having a hard time telling which is which. What's the best way to find the cavier for me? I recently came into a shit load of money and so I thought of maybe buying all the caviers but it seems like a waste.

Could you please reccomend me one of those cavier dinners? Thanks for any help.

Thank you very much,

Thanks,

Nathaniel Burbian

To Whom It May Concern: Response for Hammers

Got this email from the hammer company I emailed.

Here's the one I sent them: http://thegifthorsesmouth.blogspot.com/2010/10/to-whom-it-may-concern-hammers.html

And here's what they sent me back :

Gosh Nathan, I think production of this hammer began sometime in 1000AD. But sorry, that company went out of business, I'm sure by the banking scandal. Those bankers can take out anyone, ever superheroes. Perhaps you should try looking at Thor hammers, they might know a thing or two:

http://www.thorhammer.com/index.php

If you find what you need on their site we probably carry it.

Good luck,

Sincerely,

Jennifer

The Hammer Source

To Whom It May Concern: Response for A Book

Firstly I sent this: http://thegifthorsesmouth.blogspot.com/2010/10/to-whom-it-may-concern-book.html

Okay so this morning I got a response. Firstly I received this email:

Dear Kereal Ciller,

Please rest assured that there is no such place as heaven.

Also that I know how to use Google. (link to another site I posted it on)

(For next time: The run-on sentences are nice, but the proper use of contractions? Dead give away.)

Best of luck with your trolling.

She also wrote a blog about me which can be found here:

http://saucysalad.com/2010/10/05/its-and-its-or-the-editor-and-the-troll/

To Whom It May Concern: A Book

Sent to: http://saucysalad.com/hire-me/

Dear Rebecca,

Hello my name is Nathan Burbian. I am 8 years old. I want you to help me write a book. It is for my mommy. She has died a few weeks ago. She loved books. I want to write a book and mail it to heaven so she can read it and be happy and be proud of me. It's going to be about a baby that learns how to read minds and fly and then it uses powers to win at blackjack. Please help me. I don't have much moneys but I will let you keep copies of the book for you to give to your mommy if you want.

Thanks,

Nathan Burbian

To Whom It May Concern: Hammers

Sent to:http://www.hammersource.com/

To Whom it May Concern

Hello I am looking to buy a very specific hammer and I think you might be the people to either provide me with the sale or point me in the right direction. The specific hammer brand I am looking for is Mjolnir.

I'm not sure of the model name but basically it is a large, square-headed gray hammer. It has a short, round handle wrapped in brown leather, culminating in a loop handle for added grippage. I know they began producing these hammers in 1962 but am honestly not sure if they are still in production.

I am currently working on a very complex carpentry project and know that when I have used this hammer in the past it has met all my needs. Here are a list of my needs, if you have another hammer brand that would meet these needs I would be eager to try it out:

1) Must resist chipping and breaking

2) Must absorb the rebound of a strike

3) Must be able to manipulate the weather on an almost global scale

4) Must be made by top quality Uru

5) Must grant the stamina to battle the entire Frost Giant army for Nine Months without any sustenance or rest.

6) Must be able to both throw images AND detect illusions.

7) Must be able to create Anti-Matter particles

8) Must have heavy duty handle

9) Must be capable of creating chronal displacement, therefore allowing time travel

Thanks for any help you can give me. I look forward to doing business with your company.

-Nathaniel Burbian

To Whom It May Concern: Jeeps

Sent to: http://webejeeping.com/

To Whom it may concern,

Hello I am contacting you because you seem to be the jeep experts. Your website is very well designed and it seems that you know alot about jeeps. If there is anyone out there who can answer my jeep questions I thought it would be you. So here are a few questions I would like answered before I move ahead with my jeep purchase:

1) How many jeep?

2) When was jeep first? Why?

3) If Jeep Cherokee is such a good jeep why aren't all Jeeps jeep cherokee?

4) How tall am jeep? How fat?

5) How many pieces are in jeep?

6) If I have a jeep for 10 years straight do I get cards?

7) Does Jeep know when my birthday?

8) Can jeep underwater?

9) How far are jeeps?

I would like to thank you ahead of time for any help you can give me in these areas. I look forward to buying a jeep from your company.

Thanks,
Nathan Burbian

To Whom It May Concern: Tigers

Sent To:
www.buytigers.com

To Whom It May Concern,

Hello. I am very interested in buying a tiger. I am a 22 year old man. I live in Ohio with my parents. I feel a tiger would make me happy. I would let it sleep in my bed with me. I would feed it the finest foods. I would brush its fur and its teeth as necessary. I would love it alot. I would buy the tiger toys so I could have fun with my tiger. I will name tiger Dr. Wiggelbottom.
I am interested in making this purchase and receiving my tiger from you as quickly as possible. I am very rich.

Thanks,
Nathan Burbain

To Whom It May Concern: Housing

Sent to:
www.nystudenthousing.com

To Whom It May Concern,

Hello my name is Nathan Buford. I was looking for a place to stay a few months within NYC and I came upon your site and I wanted to ask a few questions before moving ahead with this. I am interested in the single unit, I have no room preference.

My question is due to my condition. I am a dinosaur. I am literally a dinosaur sent forward in time to find a way to stop the end of the dinosaur race. I have been looking for a place within NYC for many months because I believe this city holds the key. I have been denied repeatedly. I believe this to be because if I do in fact stop the Armageddon that wipes all of us dinosaurs off the face of the earth it will change the future(your present) in unpredictable ways. I would also like to say that I personally am not completely sure that my changing the past will actually affect YOUR present in any way. I actually believe that if I travel back and change the past rather than changing your existence, it will spawn its own alternate reality where men and dinosaurs share the world. In other words more of a Sliders thing rather than a Back to the Future thing. Please just take it under consideration.

I hope you can see past this and allow me to stay within one of your units. I am willing to pay any price, but I will be paying with sexual favors rather than money.

Thank you for your time,
Nathaniel Buford

To Whom It May Concern: Lamp Shades

www.BrownsLampshades.com

To Whom It May Concern,

I am sort of a self described collector of lampshades. Recently my home was burnt to the ground during a lightning storm. I lost all of my most precious lamp shades. I am on a quest to rebuild my collection of lampshades ranging from average run of the mill lampshades, to expensive collectors lamp shades. I saw your site and was very impressed. I am writing this email to give you a list of my lampshades to see if you have any of these pieces, or if you may be able to acquire them for me. I am willing to make it very worth your while.

If you are interested in this business please let me know and I will forward you a list of the pieces I am interested in acquiring. A short list of them would include: The Tiberian 9000 Deluxe Lightblocker, The Donald Davindian Shade of Extasy, The Golden Rope Shade, The Pure Glass Glasshade, The Nightshade, and anything made of real pure ivory.

Thanks,
Nathan Burbian

To Whom It May Concern: Tractor Supply

Sent to : www.jimsrepairjimstractors.com

To Whom It May Concern,

I am interested in purchasing a snow blower. I accidentally dropped my previous snow blower down the well in my back yard. I was out blowing the snow and I went to set down the snow blower to take a break and dropped it right down into the well. When if fell due to the gravity it broke into a million pieces. I fear I will be drinking those pieces for the rest of my life.
Snow were I live is often very tall. What kind of snow blower that you offer do you think I should purchase. Money is not important to me. Though I have very little, I am very foolish with it and am willing to pay any price for a snow blower. The last snow blower I bought cost five thousand dollars and my first and third draft choices.
Also I am unsure if you sell ladders but if you have a ladder long enough for me to get to the bottom of my well I would appreciate any information on that as well. I need to retrieve my snow blower, my push lawn mower, a ladder, 12 remote control cars, 3 horse shoes, a bag of concrete, a BBQ, a baseball bat, an HP printer, a tire, an air conditioner, and The Scent of a Woman on VHS. Scent of a Woman may sound like a lame movie but its got Pacino at his best.

Thanks,
Nathaniel Burbian